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my rainbow

Originally Posted December 14th 2016

With the time of year that’s in it and during the last few weeks of sleep regression and teething (Starfish, not me) I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on the last year and our journey to parenthood.

I watched a programme on TV the other night which showed a lady who had been paralysed preparing for her wedding. It stuck me how desperately sad I felt for her and how I willed her to stand during one of her therapy sessions with everything I had. I started to wonder, why did I feel so much worse for her than I did about my own circumstances? Was it because she had been fully able bodied and had life as she knew it cruelly snatched away from her whereas I’ve always lived by the motto “what I never had, I’ll never miss”?

Although, if I am completely honest, sometimes I do wish that I could just walk around unaided and pain free for just one day. Wake up, jump out of bed and get dressed in seconds rather than the half hour to an hour that it takes me, on the rare days I don’t have to ask for help. Most of all I wish just once I could pick up Starfish from his cot and walk around with him or join in floor play with him without spending the entire time worrying how I will actually get back up off the floor myself, never mind lift him up.

I’m not asking any of you to feel sorry for me and I’m definitely one of life’s’ optimists, but there is no denying that there are some dark days in my life.

Before getting married and having Starfish, I quipped to my friends that I would never get married or have kids because I didn’t want to be “tied down”. Looking back now, the truth is, I  thought that I’d never meet anyone who would actually want to marry me or start a family with me. So if I said often enough I didn’t want it, it would look like I was deliberately single and I might even start to believe it myself.

After an unhappy long term relationship, which only served to reinforce my opinion that I was destined to be single but I was all in all relatively happy; I met my other half. Despite my best efforts to be as obstinate and stubborn as possible and all but literally push him away, he stuck around and within 4 years we were married.

The girl on the TV show the other night said that her partner lifted her “out of the darkness”. I thought, “that’s exactly it!”. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing family and the best friends anyone could wish for, but nothing beats having that one person who is on your side above all others no matter what. My ray of sunshine that gives me a reason to smile, laugh and be happy on even the darkest day. The person who has seen me at my absolute ugliest and worst, dried my tears, lifted me out of bed to the bathroom when my back has locked up and I can’t move myself, but he loves me anyway.

I’m even more lucky now as not only do I have a ray of sunshine by my side to brighten my once dark skies, I also have my little rainbow baby from whom just one smile makes my heart explode with indescribable joy.